Hard Knocks Will Be Taking Their Cameras To South Beach

Miami will make a mint selling official shame bags to their fans

Hard Knocks has becomes wildly successful for HBO as they give fans an inside look at a team as they go through their preseason schedule. They’ve given fans a compelling, and often hilarious, look into the inner workings of professional football. No season was as interesting, or unintentionally hilarious, as last year’s Hard Knocks as they went into the New York Jets locker room, laying the Jets’ crazy laundry out for the world to see.

There was Rex Ryan’s potty mouth, Antonio Cromartie’s inability to name off all his children (in his defense he had 10 [UPDATE: he’s up to 12]), and a general sense of delusion and discord that permeated the club, earning them a reputation as a “circus” which many people pointed to as the reason for their late-season collapse (the other reason: Mark Sanchez throwing like one of his high school girlfriends). So who will follow that freak show of a preseason reality show? Almost nobody. But even worse…almost Jacksonville.

In order to continue the trend of crazed speculation: WHERE WILL TEBOW GO??

"Thanks Tim, I'll take it from here."

With Peyton Manning now officially joining the Broncos after agreeing to a 5-year $96 million contract, we can put to bed the frenzied speculation and non-stop tracking of Peyton’s every move…and replace it with a new obsession: WHERE WILL TIM TEBOW GO NOW? Yes, with the addition of Peyton Manning, the Denver Broncos are reportedly shopping their cult-hero of a quarterback, who led the team to an 8-8 record, which was good enough to win the AFC West and a first round win over Pittsburgh in the playoffs. While unconventional to say the least, Tebow found ways to win games late, rallying the team late in the fourth quarter or overtime in five of his seven wins last season and gained a rabid fanbase that would defend their Chosen Quarterback at the slightest hint of criticism. It seemed like the unexplainable success of Tebow would have bought him a couple of seasons in Denver, but the team saw an opportunity to bring in one of the greats and they jumped at the chance. Now that the Pandora’s Box of Tebow’s popularity as a starter has been opened in Denver, they can’t really hope to put him back onto the bench, even for a quarterback like Manning. So, the trade rumor mill is spinning away and who knows where it will stop? Well, certainly not us, but we can break down the likely landing spots.

Dolphins still looking for a new quarterback…and looking…and looking

"Does ANYBODY know where I can find a quarterback??"

The Dolphins has been a franchise yearning for a franchise quarterback since the retirement of Dan Marino. Since then, they’ve had wash-outs, has-beens, and outright disappointments taking snaps for them, and the front office can’t seem to find their guy. When given a choice in free agency between Drew Brees and Daunte Culpepper, the Dolphins chose Culpepper (Brees turned out to be pretty good). They passed on drafting Aaron Rodgers when he fell down to them and then past them on draft day in 2005. They kept giving the ball to Chad Pennington until his shoulder exploded past the point of reconstruction. Last season, they entered the season with Chad Henne and Matt Moore as their top two quarterbacks and then brought in Sage Rosenfels…BY CHOICE! Dolphins fans are so hungry for a franchise quarterback, they took to chanting for Kyle Orton during the Phins 2011 training camp. The man who would go on to be cut to make way for Tebow-mania was inspiring chants…they need some help down there. Well, after Peyton Manning was let go by the Colts, there was murmurings that Manning would be heading to South Beach and the Dolphins search for their next great quarterback would be over! Then the Dolphins got involved and it all went south from there.

Terrible teams have hired new head coaches, but how long will they last?

No, not fired, but still the standard for disappointing coaches

With the Tampa Bay Buccaneers deciding on Greg Schiano as their head coach on Thursday, all the head coaching vacancies in the NFL have been filled. Now the question becomes, how soon will these jobs open up again? There are plenty of unproven coaches that are getting their first opportunities as a head coach, along with one college coach, and three coaches who will be head coach for a second time. None of them are coming into perfect situations to be immediate successes and will be on damage control from day one. So which of these new hires has what it takes to turn around a failing franchise? Will Greg Schiano’s ability to rebuild translate to the Bucs? Can Romeo Crennel avoid another Cleveland calamity? Will Chuck Pagano find anyone in Indy to play defense? How quickly can Joe Philbin find a new quarterback? Can Mike Mularkey generate any offensive production from someone not named Maurice Jones-Drew? Will Dennis Allen be able to keep the Raiders from committing a thousand penalties per game? How many years of mediocre to kind of not bad will Jeff Fisher get this time? We go through each new hire, their new team, and how long we think the whole thing will last.

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 17

"Haha, this football thing is eeeeasy!"

Week 17, and the 2011 NFL regular season, is in the books. The playoffs are set and fans of the Raiders and Jets can get to their annual helpings of disappointment while the Colts can get started on what they want to do with the number one pick this year. The final week of the season did not disappoint in terms of fireworks, letdowns and meltdowns, so we count down the top five of the week. In this edition, the Jets’ follow through on their New Years resolution to stop leading their fans on, the Broncos do as little as possible to make the playoffs, the Lions and Packers both decided to give their defenses the day off, Tony Romo mounts a rally just to Romo the Cowboys when it mattered, and the Patriots troll the Bills so hard. Come for the sad, stay for the crushing disappointment!

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 16

Everybody's just as surprised he didn't screw up that catch

Week 16 has come and gone. The playoff pictures are coming into greater clarity. Five of the six playoff spots in the NFC are already claimed, the last one being determined by the NFC East division title matchup next week between the Cowboys and Giants, or the “No no no, I don’t want to win this division” bowl as it’s also being called. The AFC has four playoff teams determined as only the last wild card and the West division champion have yet to be determined. If theBengals and Broncos both win next week, they’ll punch their ticket to the playofffs, and if you had predicted that when these two teams squared off in their Week 2 24-22 Mediocre-off, then take your things and leave, because we don’t take kindly to liars in these parts. This week, we count off the biggest meltdowns of Week 16, complete with playoff implications!

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 13

"Ohhhhhh, the offense WANTS to get in the endzone. I've been doing that wrong..."

Week 13 is nearly in the books, and the playoff picture is starting to form up. Green Bay and San Francisco each clinched their divisions and now will play on hoping to secure home field advantage in the playoffs. Meanwhile, the rest of the NFC playoff picture (Dallas, Detroit, Chicago, Atlanta, New York) all did their very best to lose their way out of the playoffs, but everyone kept pace by losing, some more spectacularly than others (more on that later). However, the game of football is not scored by style points (sorry Mark Sanchez), so even though the Giants have lost four straight and the Cowboys, Falcons, Lions, Bears and Bengals in the AFC all lost on Sunday, they all still have a shot at making the playoffs. It’s a crazy game. This week in Biggest Meltdowns, the Vikings relied a little too much on Tim Tebow’s inaccuracy, Caleb Hanie may be killing his “quarterback of the future” prospects in Chicago, the Eagles can’t tackle a man eating candy, the Raiders forgot to bring any of their talents to South Beach, and Jason Garrett takes over screwing the Cowboys out of wins from Tony Romo.

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 12

Tony Romo needs to know: Who farted?

Week 12 is coming to a close, and with it comes the usual implosions and disappointments we have come to expect in the week to week of this NFL season. We saw streaks continue (Packers march towards perfection, Colts solidify their position atop the draft order) and other streaks end (49ers win streak ends at 9, Dolphins end at 3, and Redskins manage to only lose 6 in a row). This week, the Eagles spent all their time dreaming when they probably should have been watching film, the Chargers are getting in all that early-season losing they missed out on, the Dolphins have finally gotten that winning stuff out of their system, the Seahawks get a jump start on the giving spirit of the holiday season, and Tampa Bay does their best to help Chris Johnson live up to that big contract. Come for the disappointment, stay for the sadness of rich athletes.

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 11

Rex Ryan is left speechless (for once) as his team refuses to tackle Tim Tebow

Week 11 is just a Monday night in Foxboro away from wrapping up and this week gave us our usual helping of disappointing performances and epic meltdowns, all across the league. The 49ers can clinch the NFC West next week with a win and a Seattle loss, so get the bubbly ready Bay Area. Baltimore bounced back, as they tend to do, and regained first place in the AFC North. The Bills are making a late push for 4th place in the AFC East (more on that later) and nobody seems to want to win the NFC East or the AFC West. This week, the wheels have fallen off and the bus has exploded in Buffalo, the Giants do their best to keep dreams alive, Jaguars implode so bad that Browns fans feel bad for them, the Jets get Tebow’d, and Cam Newton’s Panthers remain good enough to make games interesting but not quite good enough to win them. Is it parity or inconsistency? Who knows, but there are pictures of sad athletes, so let’s get to it!

Biggest Meltdowns of NFL Week 9

At least she had the courtesy to lay down a towel before she started weeping

Week 9 is nearly in the books, and that means most teams have played through half of their schedule. Some division races are starting to take shape (pretty sure the 49ers have already clinched) while some are only getting more muddled (AFC East and West have 3-way ties for first). The weekend that was gave us plenty of exciting finishes and defensive letdowns, which gives us the fodder for Biggest Meltdowns, so thanks again professional athletes for your continued failures! This week, the Chiefs ruin Miami’s bid for Andrew Luck, the Titans make the Bengals look good for another week, Pittsburgh gets Pittsburg’d, the Patriots suffer a flashback, and the Raiders forgot what Tim Tebow does best (hint: it isn’t throw).